Washington, DC: Minutes after tear-gassing a crowd of peaceful protesters in a churchyard, Trump and his team arranged a photo-op to demonstrate the president's commitment to his faith. Awkwardly clutching a Bible provided by one of his aides, Trump did his best to show a grieving nation that God is in control.
After the cameras turned away, however, Trump wasted no time in tossing the book onto a pile of "subversive" literature that is slated to be burned in the upcoming July 4th "God Bless America" celebration. The Bible joined such seditious titles as Origins of the Species, The Communist Manifesto, and Al Franken's Rush Limbaugh Is a Big, Fat Idiot.
When a female reporter asked the President to explain his actions, Trump snapped that it was a "nasty question" and that she was "fake news."
However, when a white, male reporter was finally found to ask the question, Trump expanded on his rationale.
"Look, I know this may be shocking to people who hold the Bible sacred," he says, "But once I finally read some of it--well, okay, Pence read it to me-- I couldn't believe what the leftists snuck in there while we weren't looking."
Trump pointed to a few passages to prove his point:
"Look at this Levi's Tie Cuss 19:34," the President said. "'The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.' It doesn't even specify whether the foreigner is here legally or not? Seems like a pretty important omission."
The President's qualms with the Bible extend past the Old Testament, however. "Look at this chapter, this Matthew guy, he says Jesus wants us to pay our taxes," he says. "That's just not smart. Geniuses don't pay taxes. And his buddy Luke, he says, 'Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.' Sure, let's imagine no possessions, comrade. Sounds like socialism to me."
The last straw, according to the President, was when Pence's daily devotions covered James 5:4-6:
Behold, the pay of the laborers who mowed your fields, and which has been withheld by you, cries out against you; and the outcry of those who did the harvesting has reached the ears of the Lord of (a)Sabaoth. 5 You have lived luxuriously on the earth and led a life of wanton pleasure; you have (b)fattened your hearts in a day of slaughter. 6 You have condemned and (c)put to death the righteous man; he does not resist you.
"After he heard the Bible said you should pay your workers and not live a life of luxury, the President asked for a break to think about what it meant," Pence said. "I tried to explain that it wasn't meant to be taken literally, and it only applied to our political enemies, but he wouldn't listen."
When asked to comment on the President's act of desecration, the evangelical conservative community did not hesitate: "I'm so glad God sent us President Trump to show us how leftists have corrupted His Holy Word," said Franklin Graham in a tweet this morning. "We are eager to receive a New Testament from Trump's hand, ordained by God, that will correct these passages. If we have to burn a few Bibles to get to God's truth, that's what we'll do."
At least one Christian interviewed by this reporter expressed misgivings, however, saying, "I was always taught that the Word of God was Holy, divinely-inspired truth, every single word," the man, who requested to remain anonymous, said. "But what am I going to do, vote Democrat?"
The response in Congress has been mixed, with Senator Matt Gaetz lauding Trump's actions, Susan Collins expressing misgivings before ultimately continuing to vote in lockstep with her party, Mitt Romney visibly facepalming. Chuck Schumer appeared mildly concerned, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called for Trump's resignation, and Mitch McConnell blocked a motion to formally (if only ceremonially) disapprove of book burnings in general.
