After Photo Op, Trump Hastily Places Bible on Pile of Books to Burn

Washington, DC: Minutes after tear-gassing a crowd of peaceful protesters in a churchyard, Trump and his team arranged a photo-op to demonstrate the president's commitment to his faith. Awkwardly clutching a Bible provided by one of his aides, Trump did his best to show a grieving nation that God is in control.

After the cameras turned away, however, Trump wasted no time in tossing the book onto a pile of "subversive" literature that is slated to be burned in the upcoming July 4th "God Bless America" celebration. The Bible joined such seditious titles as Origins of the Species, The Communist Manifesto, and Al Franken's Rush Limbaugh Is a Big, Fat Idiot.

When a female reporter asked the President to explain his actions, Trump snapped that it was a "nasty question" and that she was "fake news."

However, when a white, male reporter was finally found to ask the question, Trump expanded on his rationale.

"Look, I know this may be shocking to people who hold the Bible sacred," he says, "But once I finally read some of it--well, okay, Pence read it to me-- I couldn't believe what the leftists snuck in there while we weren't looking."

Trump pointed to a few passages to prove his point:

"Look at this Levi's Tie Cuss 19:34," the President said. "'The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.' It doesn't even specify whether the foreigner is here legally or not? Seems like a pretty important omission."

The President's qualms with the Bible extend past the Old Testament, however. "Look at this chapter, this Matthew guy, he says Jesus wants us to pay our taxes," he says. "That's just not smart. Geniuses don't pay taxes. And his buddy Luke, he says, 'Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.' Sure, let's imagine no possessions, comrade. Sounds like socialism to me."

The last straw, according to the President, was when Pence's daily devotions covered James 5:4-6:

Behold, the pay of the laborers who mowed your fields, and which has been withheld by you, cries out against you; and the outcry of those who did the harvesting has reached the ears of the Lord of (a)Sabaoth. 5 You have lived luxuriously on the earth and led a life of wanton pleasure; you have (b)fattened your hearts in a day of slaughter. 6 You have condemned and (c)put to death the righteous man; he does not resist you.

"After he heard the Bible said you should pay your workers and not live a life of luxury, the President asked for a break to think about what it meant," Pence said. "I tried to explain that it wasn't meant to be taken literally, and it only applied to our political enemies, but he wouldn't listen."

When asked to comment on the President's act of desecration, the evangelical conservative community did not hesitate: "I'm so glad God sent us President Trump to show us how leftists have corrupted His Holy Word," said Franklin Graham in a tweet this morning. "We are eager to receive a New Testament from Trump's hand, ordained by God, that will correct these passages. If we have to burn a few Bibles to get to God's truth, that's what we'll do."

At least one Christian interviewed by this reporter expressed misgivings, however, saying, "I was always taught that the Word of God was Holy, divinely-inspired truth, every single word," the man, who requested to remain anonymous, said. "But what am I going to do, vote Democrat?"

The response in Congress has been mixed, with Senator Matt Gaetz lauding Trump's actions, Susan Collins expressing misgivings before ultimately continuing to vote in lockstep with her party, Mitt Romney visibly facepalming. Chuck Schumer appeared mildly concerned, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called for Trump's resignation, and Mitch McConnell blocked a motion to formally (if only ceremonially) disapprove of book burnings in general.

It is amazing how hundreds of tiny imperceptible changes over time can suddenly add up to a major shift, powerful enough to bring tears to my eyes. Ollie just woke up from a weirdly-timed nap (6p-10p) and is a completely different person. For the first time I see no trace of the baby or toddler in him. He's a kid now, 3.5 years in, all of a sudden.

He's huge. How did I not notice he was huge? I can barely hold him.

I can handle him talking like a six-year-old and thinking like a six-year-old. But does he have to keep getting bigger?

Dammit, how am I supposed to cradle him in my arms if he's going to get so big? How am I going to keep him safe?

At this rate, I'm going to need to be institutionalized far before he graduates 1st grade.

The Dog Days of Winter.

So across the back alley from our house, right across from where we have to park our car, there is a yard. And in that yard there is a German Shepherd. He is a four-foot-tall dog behind a four-foot-tall fence. He is always outside, always barking his fool head off.  Last summer and this fall, it was just annoying.

But now it's winter, and our neighbor has shoveled his driveway over and over and created a mound of snow that's as tall as the fence on either side. So the dog has a gently-sloping ramp over the fence. He can get out, and he's gotten out multiple times. When he does, he roams the neighborhood snarling and barking at anyone who gets within twenty feet of him. I don't know if he would attack me if I came closer because I'm not about to try.

Today, I got home from the grocery store with Ollie in the car. When I pulled up, the dog went into a barking frenzy, standing with his back paws level with the top of the fence on his side, and his front paws over the fence. So I grabbed Ollie out of the car and booked it into the house and called Animal Control. I guess you could argue that he didn't attack right then so he's not going to, but I don't buy it.

My conversation with Animal Control was yet another one of those Twilight Zone circular conversations.  By the end of it, I learned that as long as the animal is currently behind a fence, the animal's lawfully contained.  It doesn't matter that he's gotten out before under the same circumstances.  It doesn't matter that all he had to do was move his back paws slightly to be out this time. It doesn't matter that there's a four-foot-wide section where there's a gently-sloping snow pack that covers the fence entirely.  If the animal's currently inside the fence, and somewhere inside your enormous freakin' SNOW RAMP there's a fence, we're golden.

So I asked if they were just going to wait until the dog attacked someone to do something about it, and she pretty much said "yes."  I asked if they would at least tell the owners to clear the snow away from the fence, and she said "no."  As long as there's a fence, it doesn't matter that the dog can, will, and does climb over it on the handy snow mound provided for him.

It's a shame, because I don't blame the dog. I know it's his owners who leave him outside day and night, and I know it's in his nature to be territorial.  But I don't like being scared for the safety of me and my family every time I park my car, and I don't think it's unreasonable for me to be scared of a big dog baring his teeth at my kid.

I almost wish the dog would just go ahead and bite me, so he could be taken away, and I could sue the city for negligence.  But  I definitely wish they would just remove the dog and put him up for adoption to a good home with a taller fence, so he can be someone's beloved pet instead of a half-feral, neglected animal.

Got You in My Sights.

I heard a lot of rhetoric yesterday, and as usual, find myself unsatisfied with either end of the argument spectrum.  Here are my thoughts, if you care. If you don't, I won't hold it against you if you don't read it.


My fellow liberals: the guy who shot the congresswoman was crazy. From what I've seen of his digital footprint, he was seriously mentally disturbed. Sarah Palin didn't convince him to fire those shots. He did it because he was crazy.


In the next couple of days, the media's going to be frantically searching for reasons why he did what he did. Just like with the Columbine massacre, they're going to keep digging until they find something they can use to desperately assign meaning to an inherently meaningless act. Since the target was a politician, a lot of them will stop when they see Sarah Palin's cross-hair graphic.   But liberals, if we say that Sarah Palin is somehow culpable in this tragedy, we are also saying that Marilyn Manson and Doom are somehow culpable for Columbine. We know better than this. It's tempting, I know, to hang this on Palin, because it gives us a reason for this tragedy, and a reason that makes someone we dislike look bad.  But the uncomfortable truth is there are no reasons. Dude was crazy. It's terrible, but there you go.


Now, my lovely conservatives (I still have some conservative friends, right?): it is beyond tacky for Sarah Palin to take down her cross-hairs graphic, and to post on Facebook "our hearts and prayers are with the family of congresswoman Giffords."  Because here's the translation of that statement:


"All of last year, when I was using an extended gun metaphor to appeal to my gun-totin' constituents, when I was 'reloading' and 'takin' aim' and 'putting them in the cross-hairs' and 'firing a salvo,' and 'keepin' in my sights,' I never meant someone should actually go out and shoot them!  All I did was call them enemies of liberty, traitors, communists, terrorists, people out to destroy our country, and then suggested we take them out!"


Now, keep in mind what I said to my liberal friends: Sarah Palin isn't responsible for anyone getting shot. But it'd be awfully nice if, now that we're living in a world where someone actually did literally put someone in the cross-hairs and take her out, that we'd stop talking about it metaphorically. That maybe we'd start talking about our political opponents not as frothing demons but as people who, just like us, want the best for our country, but disagree on what that best is. Maybe we could stop talking about politics like it's a combat zone, and talk about it like a partnership.


The war isn't liberal versus conservative or Republican versus Democrat. It's the sane versus the disturbed, the good-hearted versus the violent, the sensible versus the senseles. Yesterday, there were twelve casualties. So let's stop fighting in the ranks, okay?

All Is Quiet On New Year's Day.

As the clock struck midnight, I didn't review the last year in my head like I thought I would. Instead, it occurred to me that this is the tenth anniversary of the start of what I will now think of forever as My Last Shitty Year.

2001: the last year I spent single, lonely, miserable, bouncing from terrible job to terrible job, always broke, always starving for affection.  It began with the second half of my ridiculous attempt to make a living and/or become a rock star in Los Angeles.  I lived in a studio apartment with my cat,  had a fifteen-mile, hour-long commute to a boring dead-end job, and spent most evenings drinking alone at a karaoke bar, hoping my brooding would attract women. It didn't work.

So it was back to Phoenix, living with my parents again for a few months, a couple of temp jobs, another ghetto apartment. At least my attempt at selling cars for a living got cut short after 9/11 and a crisis of conscience, but quitting the salesman gig left me more broke than ever.

The end of 2001 was self-loathing and cigarettes, a couple of good friends trying to keep me sane, feeling somehow stuck and freefalling at the same time.

It's good to remember now, when the ceiling leaks in my awesome house, or I fight with my beautiful, wonderful wife, or my amazing child is being difficult, that there was an interminable amount of time where I was simply miserable with no hope of improvement. Before Jess began my life and saved my soul, before Kingdom of Loathing gave me a most improbable career, before I had a future, there was a vast, featureless expanse of gray. When I began 2001, I had no idea it'd be the Last Shitty Year.

Wonder what 2011's got?

The Last. . .

This morning, after I had taken Oliver out of his crib and given him his morning change, I went back to bed and my wife watched him while I tried to sleep off whatever ridiculous cold/flu/plague I can't seem to shake.  While I was sleeping, my wife watched Oliver climb out of the crib and almost fall to the ground.  Just like that, it was time to switch him to a toddler bed.

So we hit up Craigslist, and we looked at some options, and we ended up with a nice little toddler bed.  Oliver was thrilled to have a 'big boy bed,' and we laughed and clapped as we put it together in his room, and he jumped on it until he was dizzy and exhausted.

But then a thought occurred to me: last night was the last night I will ever put Oliver down to sleep in his crib.  Even sadder, this morning was the last morning I will ever see him standing in his crib, smiling, holding out his arms and saying "Up!"

And I didn't know.  This morning when I picked him up out of that crib for the last time, I didn't know it was the last.  If I had known, would I have taken an extra second to smile back at him?  Would I have cherished that weight in my arms as I lifted him?  Would it have mattered if I did?  Would I be more ready for this change -- all these changes -- all these little endings and beginnings?

Probably not.  Life can only be perceived in the rearview mirror.  Most of the important things we only recognize for what they are after they have passed.  So we have to mourn a little, shed a few tears, and then move on, lest we miss the next big thing -- like our freshly minted big boy's first night in his big boy bed.

From the Left Wing.

Twice in the past 24 hours, I've been caught in an argument against people who insist that voting independent is the only logical choice this election day.  I've been called a mindless drone and a lunatic for my stance, and I'm done with it.


Edit: First, there's the bizarre idea that a third-party candidate is somehow better than an establishment candidate just because of the third-party status.  Just being a Libertarian or a Green Party candidate doesn't automatically mean you're some hallowed savior sent to fix the system; like Democrat or Republican, it's just a label.

I do not believe for a second, especially in the context of the last two years, that the Democrats are 'just as bad' as the Republicans. No, senores. The Democrats haven't been actively blocking any attempt at improving the quality of life of the poor and middle class, while whining about expiring tax cuts for billionaires. The Dems haven't demonized everyone from Mexicans to Muslims to stir up fear and hate. The Dems haven't whined about deficit spending and refused to pass job-creating legislation, while also holding on to the tax cuts that will cost the country billions.


Most importantly, the Dems haven't embraced a culture of lies, willful ignorance, hateful stereotype, manipulation through terror, and anti-intellectualism. The Republicans have done all of those things, and more. Never before has an agenda been so transparent: protect the wealth of billionaires above all -- if a poor person having health care inconveniences a billion-dollar corporation, let the peasant die. If people getting unemployment benefits means rolling back the Bush tax cuts on the wealthy, let the peasants starve! They'll still vote for us, because we'll tell them if they don't, terrorists and immigrants and commies will take over the country!


No, the Democratic party isn't perfect.  Yes, they've done a few things I don't agree with.  They lack the backbone to be truly progressive, to stand up to pressure and do the right thing.  They lack the discipline to get the entire voting bloc moving in unison, which leads to stalemates and deal-making (see the health care reform bill.  Republican smear campaigns led to polls which scared off conservative democrats, which led to horseshit in the back room, all the while Republicans were voting as a single monolithic bloc).  They're dead wrong about copyright law, and they are beholden to special interests.


But a lack of perfection does not mean they're the 'lesser of two evils.'   I think in this election we have one evil, one good-hearted but flawed, and one party you can vote for if you want the evil guys to win. So no. I'm not voting for some damn libertarian or green party candidate this election, when the very soul of the nation is on the line.  Maybe if the moderate right wing retakes the Republican party from these Tea Party, Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck lunatics, then I'd consider risking them winning an election and cast a vote for a third party.  But not this time.